Perez Hilton: An annoying fairy who got punched

If Perez Hilton died tomorrow, could you really say he didn’t kind of have it coming? I always did my best to learn as little about him as possible, but this Will.I.Am thing was too much. For those of you unfamiliar with the story, Will.I.Am is the lead rapper from the Black Eyed Peas. He made that really fun and catchy “Let’s Get Retarded” song, changed the lyrics to something less offensive, and then became an extremely annoying public persona. Since having two periods in his name wasn’t enough, he appeared as a 3D hologram on CNN the night Obama got elected and unleashed Fergie onto an unsuspecting and defenseless public.

Anyway, Will.I.Am was upset that Perez had said mean things about his new album on his blog, even though Perez is a critic and the album probably sucked. Their argument continued through the night, become more heated, and climaxed when Perez called Will.I.Am a faggot and Will.I.Am’s manager allegedly struck Perez. Now Perez has the physical make up of a fifteen-year-old girl, so either it wasn’t much of a punch or Will.I.Am’s manager is a pussy. Either way, lasting damage has been done to whatever remained of Will.I.Am’s street cred.

Now it’s not okay to hit some one for being gay, for being annoying, or for saying things to provoke you. It’s not even okay if he is guilty of all three. In the court of law, if Perez’s story is true, the manager should be guilty of some type of assault. But that doesn’t change the fact that in terms of pure human decency, Perez deserves much worse. He bragged the next day, in a video blog reminiscent of that kid who cried about Brittany Spears, that he used the term faggot because it was the term that would hurt Will.I.Am the most. Coming from an in-your-face gay activist, it probably set the cause back ten years, but that’s not even the worst part. He purposefully set out to anger some one, and wanted people to feel sorry for him after he got punched in the face. This cannot stand.

The San Antonio Spurs were the most hated NBA team for a long time, despite their incredible fundamentals and character off the court. Their problem was that they had Bruce Bowen, who was one of the dirtiest players in the league in terms of committing fouls without getting caught and Manu Ginobli, who was one of the dirtiest players in the league in terms of flopping and getting the refs to call fouls that didn’t happen. That was bad, but was worse was that when one of their players didn’t get a call, they would react like they were choir boys being senselessly persecuted. The look of righteous incredulity on Tim Duncan any time he was called for a foul was enough to make anyone root for Mark Cuban’s Mavericks.

The point is if you play dirty, no one’s going to have sympathy when you’re the victim of a cheap shot. Perez Hilton makes his living at the expense of other people. His blog is filled with catty criticisms, vicious intrusions into personal lives, and unfounded gossip about celebrities. Some will say it’s simply part of the entertainment business. If you want to take this logic, fine, but realize the nature of the star-smear merchant relationship. With words, a celebrity journalist can ruin a star’s reputation and expose his personal life. A star can only increase a journalist’s exposure or futilely attack his dignity, which anyone who traffics in celebrity gossip abandoned long ago. Fortunately, there is a balance. Because our justice system favors the rich, a star can assault an especially irritating paparazzi and settle out of court for a fraction of his net worth. It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty damn fair. Both sides have their own occupational hazards, which can generally be avoided by not being a total douchebag. If you believe in karma, Perez’s is trading lower than GM stock.

Peta: Senselessly persecuting Michael Vick

You know the world’s upside down when Philadelphia sports fans start taking a moral high ground. The same people that gave a standing ovation when Michael Irvin lay motionless on the ground after a big hit and hurled D batteries at the back of JD Drew’s skull now have a problem with their team signing Michael Vick.

Fans object to signing Vick because he brutalized dogs. Fido brings them their newspaper every morning, and the image of Fido viciously lunging to tear through Checkers’ neck with his fangs or mounting Cupcake on the rape stand can be quite unsettling. Dog owners maintain that though not humans, dogs have feelings and to subject them to pain and torture is a heinous act far worse than simply killing innocent jaywalkers in a DUI like Dante Stallworth.

If dogs had feelings, they would probably object to being neutered and then forced into some awful sweater for a family Christmas photo. In fact, PETA in its charter calls for abolishing animal slavery, meaning people couldn’t have pets. The dog lovers blasting the Eagles for signing Vick probably don’t realize that their donations support an organization that considers them slave owners. They also don’t seem to realize the hypocrisy of advocating that dogs have feelings without considering how their dog would feel about losing its ability to have sex.

Michael Vick is quite possibly the greatest natural athlete who ever lived. The NFL is a place where violent giants hopped up on steroids and amphetamines risk their lives every play and cause permanent damage to their minds and bodies for our entertainment. To say that Vick cannot do this because a few dogs got hurt, after he paid his debt to society and lost all of his friends and money, is un-American and a crime against the football watching public. To anyone still sympathetic for the dogs or upset at the Eagles, I can only offer this video:

DID YOU SEE THAT LAST TOUCHDOWN! I promise you now that the only time I will ever write in caps on this site is for describing that run. If the public can forgive that sick rapist Michael Jackson, I think they can let Vick back on the field.

Mormonism: A pervert’s scam to get laid

Seriously though, what the fuck is wrong with Mormons. Their religion is based on the idea that Joseph Smith was a prophet, and he so obviously wasn’t a prophet that it’s an offense to the intelligence of any decent person to suggest that he was. That people are willing to herald Smith as a prophet, knowing the facts of his life, is downright terrifying.

Joseph Smith got his initial fame as a treasure seeker. He claimed to have occult visions, and people would pay him to employ his powers to help them locate treasure. For some reason, people kept hiring Smith, until eventually customers began to sour on him. One theory is that they could not accept his unorthodox beliefs and controversial theology, although it may have been because he had never once succeeded in locating treasure. Basically, Smith was the 19th Century Miss Cleo, down to the prosecution for fraud that came after he failed to live up to his immense boasts that he could locate a large deposit of silver. He clearly had a history of making false claims of divine ability in order to exploit people for material gains. There is a term for that kind of shenanigans: false prophet.

For the rest of his life, he never performed one act that proved him to be divine. He never turned water into wine, healed sick, or even pulled a rabbit out of a hat. He didn’t find significant flaws with the current church, he just proposed a new religion whose highlights were an extremely racist and historically inaccurate account of God turning an evil tribe black because they disappointed him. It can’t be proven that Smith never spoke with God, just like it can’t be proven that Uncle Cletus was never abducted by aliens, but its a matter of simple courtesy that the burden of proof lies with the guy claiming that everyone in the world worships the wrong religion.

While Smith was almost certainly was not an actual prophet with divine visions, what cannot be denied, even by his harshest critics, was that he was an insatiable sexual deviant. Most of Smith’s revelations, in fact, involved women who God mandated must marry him. This is how he wooed his original wife, as well as more than thirty more women he married, many of them already married to his followers, many of them as young as fourteen. To be a Mormon is to believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet, which is to believe that the message God felt most necessary to convey to mankind was that a lot of women were going to Hell if they didn’t sleep with Joseph Smith. Either God is the greatest wing man ever, or Smith was a horny scumbag who invented a fake religion in order to get laid.

The Mormon religion is perhaps the sickest joke in the history of mankind. A group of mostly good-natured, moral individuals is going around worshiping and trying to force the rest of us to worship a lying, drunk, philanderer. Some one with a WWJD bracelet might try to emulate their prophet’s actions go volunteer at a homeless shelter, donate money to those less fortunate, or barefoot water ski, all harmless acts. Some one with a WWJSD bracelet true to literal interpretation would most likely drink two Steel Reserves, hit on girls walking out of underage club, and threaten them with eternal damnation if they resisted.

The next time some one tries to argue that millions of people can’t be wrong in an attempt to justify listening to Fallout Boy, reading US Weekly, or defending the UN, remind him that there are almost fourteen million Mormons.